Box of Hats and Wigs |
Hello. I'm Jonathan Cresswell. I used to blog here daily, but that fell through and now I store bits and pieces on here. I'm a journalist/web designer/madman. Read my actual blog or find out more about me on my website. I also tweet. |
Radio 1’s chart show is a bit boring. I think that’s because when you’re playing the top 40 records in the UK, much of those making up your station’s playlist, you sort of have to like them. Or pretend to. Or just say “that was, this is, here’s our special guest from a band, how excited are you to have sales figures better than someone else?”
My proposal to make it more interesting is to combine the chart show with a review show. Tell everybody they are wrong for buying certain things, and be as much of an opinionated twat as possible. Someone like me, then.
To try this out, let’s have a look at this week’s top 10!
10. Example – Won’t Go Quietly
This song has perfected the art of ‘generic club song’. You listen to the backing beat and the forgettable lyrics on top and know this was just made to be remixed and played out over large speakers with nobody really knowing what it is. This does mean as a piece of work in its own right there is no reason for anybody to buy it. You’ll never listen to it.
9. Journey – Don’t Stop Believin’
Possibly the best song in the chart is the oldest. Take that as you will. Somehow, everybody doesn’t already own a copy of this, and that disappoints me. Either way, it’s been in the chart for ages now (Radio 1’s website says it’s been in there for 67 weeks!) and so by how it’s been in the top 10 since before Christmas I wouldn’t be surprised if this was actually the biggest song of the decade when 2020 rolls around.
8. JLS – One Shot
Unfortunately you’d need four shots to take each of them out. There’s not much to say about this as teenage girls will still scream OMGJLS for no reason apart from Aston Martin is really cute or whatever their names are. It’s also notable for breaking the laws of physics, thanks to the lyric “Sometimes I pinch myself a mile away”. Congratulations for that.
7. 3OH!3 – Starstrukk
Mildly catchy. But look at that name. I take back any praise I might have given it. Not much though, you won’t remember this song in 2 months time. Maybe the high pitched “woo-ooo” whistles that make up part of the song, but that’s more of a reoccurring nightmare than “hey, remember this cool song?”
6. Iyaz – Replay
I’m not gonna be playing this again. God, we’re only at 6? I take back wanting to do this chart. You need to be suicidal.
5. Alicia Keys – Empire State of Mind (Part II)
Stripped back versions of songs you’re used to actually having backing music on are for Live Lounge releases and bonus tracks. The version with Jay-Z was better.
5. Glee Cast – Don’t Stop Believin’
Cheesy. Overly poppy. Ridiculous levels of autotune.
So, I love it then. It’s Glee. Simply the best TV show currently on air. The show’s taken almost every genre of music, sprinkled some fairy dust on it, wrapped it up in a hilarious package and it just makes you smile. It’s a fun and original take on a brilliant song, and I’m also happy to hear that the Glee cast mashups of “Halo / Walking on Sunshine” and “It’s My Life / Confessions (Part 2)” are set to chart within the top 15 this Sunday.
3. Timbaland – If We Ever Meet Again (ft. Katy Perry)
I hope I don’t meet this song again. Dire.
2. Jedward – Under Pressure
Oh dear god. It’s quite funny though how a song attributed to Jedward mainly seems to consist of backing singers and Vanilla Ice rather than the duo themselves. I think even autotuner devices have given up on them. Their ability to still sound out of time on a preproduced record is something incredible. Also, this is your fault. You might have thought this was funny, but YOU DID THIS. YOU. EVERY SINGLE PERSON WHO WATCHED THE X-FACTOR. YOU DID THIS. So please, Jedward, stop, don’t collaborate, we don’t want to listen.
1. Owl City – Fireflies
This song MAKES NO SENSE. Vocals sound odd, a bit robotic. It’s not bad, but the lyrics make no sense. “Cause I’d get a thousand hugs, from ten thousand lightning bugs, as they tried to teach me how to dance” is not something that can be properly understood by any human being.
In sort, musically, we’re all doomed. And have been for some time. My only wish is that the obsession with vocal processing and autotuning will end up reaching a tremendous peak when Microsoft Sam rapping gets to number 1. MS Word to your mother, yo.
